Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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