You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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