Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
