Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
