Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
