She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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