OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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