you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
