White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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