I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
