I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
