I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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