wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
