Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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