I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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