My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
