i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
