so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
