I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think people are normalizing furries
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
