If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
