drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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