He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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