I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
