i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
