The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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