Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And then he peed in my hair
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