I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
