tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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