i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
