I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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