mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
