I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
