the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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