just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
