May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
