Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
