my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My feet surprised me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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