Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
