Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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