When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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