He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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