We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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