Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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