If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
time to smoke my breakfast
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
