did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
