Your dad touched me again.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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