Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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