i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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