FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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