god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
