if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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