chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was born a porn star she said
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
