Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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