i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
