He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
