How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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