going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
