Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Shame - the story of my life.
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