the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
