I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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