The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
