: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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